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23 Reasons Jupiter Ascending is THE BEST

  1. It’s a movie about a space princess named Jupiter Jones
  2. who’s the reincarnation of the mother of a race of space emperors
  3. and they all want to marry her
  4. or kill her
  5. or both
  6. meanwhile, she falls in love with a half-dog/half-man supersoldier
  7. named ‘Caine Wise’
  8. because of course he is
  9. and she can control bees
  10. (also Sean Bean is a bee-man named Stinger
  11. who lives on Earth with his… daughter? in a house filled with bees?)
  12. The plot is, like, about how the space emperors
  13. harvest human beings
  14. to make themselves immortal
  15. and Jupiter has to defeat them to save the Earth.
  16. There are space roller-blades
  17. and space flying-dragon baddies
  18. and some really staggering gowns
  19. and jokes about paperwork and queues
  20. (right in the middle of the film, which makes no sense at all).
  21. Eddie Redmayne did this —->
  22. and somehow still won an Oscar.
  23. They did this to Channing Tatum – BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE
  24. There was a joke about a maxi pad
  25. and there were GIANT HUMONGOUS EXPLOSIONS ALL OVER EVERYWHERE KAPLOOWIE
  26. and in the end space princess Jupiter Jones space roller-bladed off into the sunset with her supersoldier dog-man boyfriend WHO ALSO HAS WINGS.
  27. BEST. MOVIE. EVER.